I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
