I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
