Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
