My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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