I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
