you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
my liver is dry heaving
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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