I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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