I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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