I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
