my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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