Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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