i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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