now i know why i became what i already was.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
