Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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