We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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