Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
