after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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