I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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