I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
