If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
