I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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