"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
