Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
