He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
