You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
