im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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