I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
