I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
