ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Come see our sink grown plant.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
