in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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