His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
