Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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