The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
