i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
