eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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