I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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