the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
