don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
