So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
