I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i was born a porn star she said
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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