cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
