Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
