I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The Olympian is in my bed
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