based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
farters have to be the big spoon...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to calm my uterus...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
