I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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