I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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