Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
