my phone needs a breathalizer
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
it's like heaven, but drunker
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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