So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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