The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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