I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
