We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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