I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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