I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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