You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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