Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
