dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
